Week of 4.27.15

Bill Murray.
Ron Howard.
Kid Rock.
What do these names have in common, you ask?
They were all in Osmosis Jones!!!!!

I watched Osmosis Jones and charted my boner progress.  The first three minutes of the film feature two characters: Bill Murray and a little girl...uh oh.  They also feature Mr Murray pouring mayonnaise on an egg, having that egg go into a monkey's mouth, and Mr. Murray eating that egg.  It's not until about 12 minutes in that we're introduced to an of-age female character.  This is also about the first time we aren't EXTREMELY aware that everything is taking place inside Bill Murray.  Which brings me to...

TIME TO BONER (TTB): 12 minutes 46 seconds
BONER INTENSITY: 5.8
DISCOVERIES:  I might be getting too good at this...

Week of 4.20.15

I'm sorry everybody.  I know I've been shirking my duties.  Work has been crazy lately.  But you don't want to hear excuses, you want to hear about dicks and their magnificent journey towards rigidity.  I'll leave you with this quote, from the classic 90's movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and we can all move on:

"Wise man say - forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza!"

Now let's get on with it!  This weeks boner is brought to you by...Human Plant Hybrids!

TIME TO BONER (TTB): 4 minutes, 34 seconds

BONER INTENSITY: 7.9

DISCOVERIES:  This one was actually pretty easy.  Imagine you're having sex with a girl, but that girl has tree arms.  Boner right?  Imagine you're fucking a beanstalk with a human head.  Boner right?  Like I said - easy.

Week of 4.6.15

Moving on to the East section of our March Madness Bracket, we'll now answer one of life's most compelling questions: What is more boner inducing...

KRAKEN OR LOCH NESS MONSTER???

Vital Stats:

Kraken
Habitat: Off the Scandinavian coast
Nickname: N/A
Size: 50 feet

Loch Ness Monster

Habitat: Loch Ness, Scotland (obviously, you idiot)

Nickname: Nessie

Size: 40 feet

RESULTS:

Kraken TTB: 7 minutes, 32 seconds

Kraken Boner Intensity: 6.1

Nessie TTB: 12 minutes 33 seconds

Nessie Boner Intensity: 5.8

Kraken's got tentacles.  Kraken's got suckers.  Kraken's probably got like...15 spots I can stick my dick.  No brainer.