Week of 6.1.15

So I'm supposed to clean this evening.  The living room's a mess, dust everywhere...time to break out the Swiffer™!  Just as I was getting ready to get going, I remembered that when I started on this grand undertaking, my friend (I won't say her name, but it rhymes with Fennifer) suggested I make the noble Swiffer™ a subject for a posting.  Deal.  In case you don't know,this is what I'm talking about:

TIME TO BONER (TTB): 12 minutes, 13 seconds
BONER INTENSITY: 5.2
DISCOVERIES: This was a tough one.  To start, it's a big pole. Quite phallic.  Not helping matters, I really detest cleaning, and it's hard to disassociate this item from its function - that's what happens with great branding I guess.  After trying a few different angles, I had to eventually focus on the soft dust cloth that gets attached to the device.  Still, it took all my skills to get it up from this bad boy.

Week of 5.25.15

Today I thought I'd further delve into my love of capitalism (see week of 1/12/15 part II).  What better way than to browse www.bestbuy.com and see what gives me a chub?

I decided to get the juices flowing looking at curved TV's.  Hey, go big or go home.

Woah!  That's an expensive TV!  Imagine what kind of fancy pants I'd have to be to have that TV!
On to electric scooters.

Eh...too many poles heading for the asshole...

How about vacuums?

Done. Sure, it looks like an alien's cock, but imagine putting your dick in that thing.  Awesome.

TIME TO BONER (TTB): 4 minutes, 58 seconds

BONER INTENSITY: 8.1

Week of 5.4.2015

When I was in 6th grade I'd get boners a decent amount,  When I was in 6th grade, we also learned about the water cycle.  Connection???  We'll find out!

You all know the facts...let's see if it's boner inducing

TIME TO BONER (TTB): 2 minutes, 14 seconds
BONER INTENSITY: 8.8
DISCOVERIES:  Hell yeah, it's boner inducing!  Think about it...you're a drop of water, snug in a lake, surrounded by fluid.  Safe, serene.  You slowly float up into the sky to be cushioned in a beautiful moist cloud.  All this before the ultimate adrenaline rush of sky diving down to earth (probably into some hot babe's cleavage).  I guess I have a fetish for being water.  Is that a common thing?

Week of 4.27.15

Bill Murray.
Ron Howard.
Kid Rock.
What do these names have in common, you ask?
They were all in Osmosis Jones!!!!!

I watched Osmosis Jones and charted my boner progress.  The first three minutes of the film feature two characters: Bill Murray and a little girl...uh oh.  They also feature Mr Murray pouring mayonnaise on an egg, having that egg go into a monkey's mouth, and Mr. Murray eating that egg.  It's not until about 12 minutes in that we're introduced to an of-age female character.  This is also about the first time we aren't EXTREMELY aware that everything is taking place inside Bill Murray.  Which brings me to...

TIME TO BONER (TTB): 12 minutes 46 seconds
BONER INTENSITY: 5.8
DISCOVERIES:  I might be getting too good at this...

Week of 4.20.15

I'm sorry everybody.  I know I've been shirking my duties.  Work has been crazy lately.  But you don't want to hear excuses, you want to hear about dicks and their magnificent journey towards rigidity.  I'll leave you with this quote, from the classic 90's movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and we can all move on:

"Wise man say - forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza!"

Now let's get on with it!  This weeks boner is brought to you by...Human Plant Hybrids!

TIME TO BONER (TTB): 4 minutes, 34 seconds

BONER INTENSITY: 7.9

DISCOVERIES:  This one was actually pretty easy.  Imagine you're having sex with a girl, but that girl has tree arms.  Boner right?  Imagine you're fucking a beanstalk with a human head.  Boner right?  Like I said - easy.

Week of 4.6.15

Moving on to the East section of our March Madness Bracket, we'll now answer one of life's most compelling questions: What is more boner inducing...

KRAKEN OR LOCH NESS MONSTER???

Vital Stats:

Kraken
Habitat: Off the Scandinavian coast
Nickname: N/A
Size: 50 feet

Loch Ness Monster

Habitat: Loch Ness, Scotland (obviously, you idiot)

Nickname: Nessie

Size: 40 feet

RESULTS:

Kraken TTB: 7 minutes, 32 seconds

Kraken Boner Intensity: 6.1

Nessie TTB: 12 minutes 33 seconds

Nessie Boner Intensity: 5.8

Kraken's got tentacles.  Kraken's got suckers.  Kraken's probably got like...15 spots I can stick my dick.  No brainer.

Week of 3.23.15

It's March Madness, and that can only mean one thing...BRACKETS!!!

This week we'll take a look at the West portion of our bracket, also known as the "Bigfoot Bracket".  That's right folks, it's time for



SASQUATCH VS YETI!!!!

Vital stats:

Sasquatch
Habitat: North American Pacific Northwest
Nickname: Bigfoot
Height: 6'10"
Weight: 500 lbs

Yeti
Habitat: Tibet/Nepal
Nickname: The Abominable Snowman
Height: 6'0"
Weight ???

A note on this challenge:
When finding images, to avoid sasquatch-yeti mixups because of their similarities, I performed an advanced google search, looking "Sasquatch" with no mention of Yeti, and vice versa.


RESULTS:
Sasquatch TTB: 12 minutes, 19 seconds
Sasquatch Boner Intensity: 4.8
Yeti TTB: 8 minutes, 45 seconds
Yeti Boner Intensity: 5.1

Yeti wins!! For whatever reason, Sasquatch seems much more masculine to me.  Also, if you're with a Yeti...you do what you gotta do to keep warm.