Week of 6.1.15

So I'm supposed to clean this evening.  The living room's a mess, dust everywhere...time to break out the Swiffer™!  Just as I was getting ready to get going, I remembered that when I started on this grand undertaking, my friend (I won't say her name, but it rhymes with Fennifer) suggested I make the noble Swiffer™ a subject for a posting.  Deal.  In case you don't know,this is what I'm talking about:

TIME TO BONER (TTB): 12 minutes, 13 seconds
BONER INTENSITY: 5.2
DISCOVERIES: This was a tough one.  To start, it's a big pole. Quite phallic.  Not helping matters, I really detest cleaning, and it's hard to disassociate this item from its function - that's what happens with great branding I guess.  After trying a few different angles, I had to eventually focus on the soft dust cloth that gets attached to the device.  Still, it took all my skills to get it up from this bad boy.

Week of 5.25.15

Today I thought I'd further delve into my love of capitalism (see week of 1/12/15 part II).  What better way than to browse www.bestbuy.com and see what gives me a chub?

I decided to get the juices flowing looking at curved TV's.  Hey, go big or go home.

Woah!  That's an expensive TV!  Imagine what kind of fancy pants I'd have to be to have that TV!
On to electric scooters.

Eh...too many poles heading for the asshole...

How about vacuums?

Done. Sure, it looks like an alien's cock, but imagine putting your dick in that thing.  Awesome.

TIME TO BONER (TTB): 4 minutes, 58 seconds

BONER INTENSITY: 8.1

Week of 5.4.2015

When I was in 6th grade I'd get boners a decent amount,  When I was in 6th grade, we also learned about the water cycle.  Connection???  We'll find out!

You all know the facts...let's see if it's boner inducing

TIME TO BONER (TTB): 2 minutes, 14 seconds
BONER INTENSITY: 8.8
DISCOVERIES:  Hell yeah, it's boner inducing!  Think about it...you're a drop of water, snug in a lake, surrounded by fluid.  Safe, serene.  You slowly float up into the sky to be cushioned in a beautiful moist cloud.  All this before the ultimate adrenaline rush of sky diving down to earth (probably into some hot babe's cleavage).  I guess I have a fetish for being water.  Is that a common thing?

Week of 4.27.15

Bill Murray.
Ron Howard.
Kid Rock.
What do these names have in common, you ask?
They were all in Osmosis Jones!!!!!

I watched Osmosis Jones and charted my boner progress.  The first three minutes of the film feature two characters: Bill Murray and a little girl...uh oh.  They also feature Mr Murray pouring mayonnaise on an egg, having that egg go into a monkey's mouth, and Mr. Murray eating that egg.  It's not until about 12 minutes in that we're introduced to an of-age female character.  This is also about the first time we aren't EXTREMELY aware that everything is taking place inside Bill Murray.  Which brings me to...

TIME TO BONER (TTB): 12 minutes 46 seconds
BONER INTENSITY: 5.8
DISCOVERIES:  I might be getting too good at this...

Week of 4.20.15

I'm sorry everybody.  I know I've been shirking my duties.  Work has been crazy lately.  But you don't want to hear excuses, you want to hear about dicks and their magnificent journey towards rigidity.  I'll leave you with this quote, from the classic 90's movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and we can all move on:

"Wise man say - forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza!"

Now let's get on with it!  This weeks boner is brought to you by...Human Plant Hybrids!

TIME TO BONER (TTB): 4 minutes, 34 seconds

BONER INTENSITY: 7.9

DISCOVERIES:  This one was actually pretty easy.  Imagine you're having sex with a girl, but that girl has tree arms.  Boner right?  Imagine you're fucking a beanstalk with a human head.  Boner right?  Like I said - easy.

Week of 4.6.15

Moving on to the East section of our March Madness Bracket, we'll now answer one of life's most compelling questions: What is more boner inducing...

KRAKEN OR LOCH NESS MONSTER???

Vital Stats:

Kraken
Habitat: Off the Scandinavian coast
Nickname: N/A
Size: 50 feet

Loch Ness Monster

Habitat: Loch Ness, Scotland (obviously, you idiot)

Nickname: Nessie

Size: 40 feet

RESULTS:

Kraken TTB: 7 minutes, 32 seconds

Kraken Boner Intensity: 6.1

Nessie TTB: 12 minutes 33 seconds

Nessie Boner Intensity: 5.8

Kraken's got tentacles.  Kraken's got suckers.  Kraken's probably got like...15 spots I can stick my dick.  No brainer.

Week of 3.23.15

It's March Madness, and that can only mean one thing...BRACKETS!!!

This week we'll take a look at the West portion of our bracket, also known as the "Bigfoot Bracket".  That's right folks, it's time for



SASQUATCH VS YETI!!!!

Vital stats:

Sasquatch
Habitat: North American Pacific Northwest
Nickname: Bigfoot
Height: 6'10"
Weight: 500 lbs

Yeti
Habitat: Tibet/Nepal
Nickname: The Abominable Snowman
Height: 6'0"
Weight ???

A note on this challenge:
When finding images, to avoid sasquatch-yeti mixups because of their similarities, I performed an advanced google search, looking "Sasquatch" with no mention of Yeti, and vice versa.


RESULTS:
Sasquatch TTB: 12 minutes, 19 seconds
Sasquatch Boner Intensity: 4.8
Yeti TTB: 8 minutes, 45 seconds
Yeti Boner Intensity: 5.1

Yeti wins!! For whatever reason, Sasquatch seems much more masculine to me.  Also, if you're with a Yeti...you do what you gotta do to keep warm.

Week of 3.16.15

Pitch black.  If you turn all the lights out in my room, it's pitch black.  No daylight, no ambient light, no light at all.
Here's an example:

I decided to sit on the edge of my bed in complete darkness, and get a boner.

TIME TO BONER (TTB): 1 hour, 32 minutes, 18 seconds
BONER INTENSITY: 6.8
DISCOVERIES: I willed myself to relax.  Let myself become consumed with the darkness - allowing the cool air to touch my flesh.  The world is nothing but possibilities in the dark.

Then I fell asleep for about an hour and a half.

Upon waking (and checking to see that - yes, my stopwatch was still running, momentarily breaking the darkness), I quickly cursed and became fully awake.

I willed myself to relax.  Let myself become consumed with the darkness - allowing the cool air to touch my flesh.  The world is nothing but possibilities in the dark.  It took about 30 seconds to get a boner this time...

Week of 3/9/15 (barely)

Being the generous soul that I am, I figured I would follow up last week's office themed boner with a deep, personal look at my morning commute.

Here's a couple of snapshots to give you an idea.

TIME TO BONER (TTB): 4 minutes, 22 seconds
BONER INTENSITY: 4.9. 4.9x1.3 (1.3 is the pants boner reduction coefficient) = 6.37
DISCOVERIES: I've got a couple of things working for me here.  First,the vibration of the car is a nice boner aid.  Next, it being early in the morning, before my first coffee, my body is still relaxed and tired, which helps with the short TTB.
The main strategy here is to embrace the essence of a morning commute - a slow, sad march to hours of soul-crushing employment.  One must embrace the idea that this is your last chance to enjoy oneself, the last taste of freedom, for hours.
AND THEN, SHIT, I SAW A HOME DEPOT, AND I THOUGHT ABOUT THE SMELL OF FRESH PINE AND I TOTALLY POPPED SOME WOOD IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
WOULD I DO IT AGAIN: Probably tomorrow.

Week of 3/2/15

It's a little after 2 in the afternoon.  I'm sitting in my cubicle at work.  I'm bored.

TODAY'S CHALLENGE: Things I can see while sitting in my cube. This being the internet I'm refraining from posting an actual picture from my POV, lest some fan identify me.  This should give you a pretty good idea though:

I'm tucked away in a back corner so I can't see any people unless they come to me.

STREAM OF CONCIOUSNESS:
Man this is gonna be hard with pants and boxers on.
I could totally fuck the hole in my monitor stand.
Like, it would probably feel pretty good.
Andrea's voice is actually pretty hot.
SHIT SOMEONE'S COMING!!!
   "Hey Meg"
   "Hey *****, did you get a chance to look at that email I sent you, it...
           (hey I can see meg, so she's fair game. But she's like, sixty. And short. And fat. But she's nice...ya I'd probably fuck her)
   "... What do you think?"
   "Uhhhh...let me look into it and I'll email        you."
That was awkward.
I bet I could fuck my phone.
BONER.

TIME TO BONER (TTB):: 4 minutes, 43 seconds

BONER INTENSITY: 5.2. 5.2x1.3 (1.3 is the pants boner reduction coefficient) = 6.76

WOULD I DO IT AGAIN: If I never get a boner in my cubicle again, I will be a sad, sad man.

Week of 2/23/15

Time to get a boner to this sentence (submitted by an avid reader of this blog):
"The languid boys of Tent Eighty-Six slept like perfect angels; soon, their bodies would succumb to the poison dust."

TIME TO BONER (TTB): 7 minutes, 18 seconds
BONER INTENSITY: 7.8
DISCOVERIES: First off - I'm a visual guy, so I'm certainly not (easily) getting a boner to words on the screen.  I have to use my imagination.  I started out picturing the scenario, but found this disturbing and not at all boner inducing.  Eventually, I began putting myself into the situation described in the sensation.  Embracing the peaceful grasp of death.  Slipping into the deepest sleep ever - the endless sleep.  And everyone knows: the deeper the sleep, the bigger the boner.  And voila!  Dick raised.
WOULD I DO IT AGAIN: This particular sentence, no.  But it's certainly an interesting exercise to take one out of context idea and apply it to a sexual endeavor.  I'll try that again.

Week of 2/16/15

McDonaldland Throwdown Part 2!

Following last weeks throwdown, this week I'll be examining CosMc and Mayor McCheese.

CosMc
Time to Boner (TTB): 4 minutes, 44 seconds
Boner Intenstiy: 6.0
Discoveries: A being with that many hands can presumably create a decent amount of joy.  In the end, there was something a little childish, and masculine about CosMc which pushed my TTB up.

Mayor McCheese
TTB: 5 minutes, 2 seconds
Boner Intensity: 5.8
Discoveries: Mayor McCheese is wearing men's clothing, which caused some problems early on.  Once I envisioned a nude being with a hamburger for a head, that's when the boner really started coming in.  At the end of the day, there's something off putting about a hamburger headed beast simply because cannibalism comes with the territory.

Verdict: CosMc narrowly wins this round, but the grand winner is Grimace!

Week of 2/9/15

McDonaldland throwdown!

Back to back days I picked a character from McDonaldland in round one of my McDonaldland throwdown.  Today I will reveal who is the more boner-inducing mascot - Grimace, or Birdie the Early Bird.

Grimace
TIME TO BONER (TTB): 3 minutes, 38 seconds
BONER INTENSITY: 5.88
DISCOVERIES:  Soft, cuddly, big mouth...what's not to love.  I'm just going to assume Grimace is gender neutral so I don't feel weird about this short TTB.

Birdie the Early Bird
TTB: 6 minutes, 3 seconds
BONER INTENSITY: 5.6
DISCOVERIES: I don't know if the pigtails or what, but Birdie is a little young looking, no?  Kinda creeped me out.

VERDICT: Grimace in a landslide!

Join me next time for part 2: CosMc vs. Mayor McCheese!

Week of 2/2/15

Women's Pizza Costume was the search term du jour.  Probably the biggest issue was weeding out all the irrelevant pictures, but once I found the right ones to focus on, this was a snap.

Obviously you can't tell the gender of the last pic here, but I just rolled by on the glory hole principle - if you think it's a girl, for all intents and purposes, it's a girl.

TIME TO BONER (TTB): 1 minute, 57 seconds

BONER INTENSITY: 8.8

DISCOVERIES: Well this is a rabbit hole I'm a little scared to go down... Things didn't go so well for George on Seinfeld when he mixed sex and food, and based on my short TTB and strong intensity, I may already be hooked.  Furry+foodie=boner.

WOULD I DO IT AGAIN: Yup.

Week of 1/26/15 Part II

This video is indescribable.  Just watch.

TIME TO BONER (TTB): Approximately 1.5 views (5 minutes, 3 seconds)
BONER INTENSITY: 6.8
DISCOVERIES: The first viewing, I had a very difficult time focusing on trying to get a boner.  It's just such an intriguing video.  I laughed, I cried, I squirmed...it has it all.  The second go round, with the surprises all out of the way, I really had a chance to focus on the erotic aspects of women imitating horses in their underwear.  And it didn't take too long - at the end of the day, it's scantily clad women dancing.
WOULD I DO IT AGAIN: I'll definitely watch the video again at some point.  Only time will tell if this will lead to a boner.  As far as I know, this is the only video of its kind, so my options here are pretty limited.

Week of 1/26/15

"Women with saws".

Rules:Never allow yourself to forget or overlook the fact that the women have saws.

TIME TO BONER (TTB): 2 minutes, 16 seconds

BONER INTENSITY: 7.6

DISCOVERIES: Before we get into, I'd just like to say I was a little disappointed in the lack of saw variety I was able to find.  The vast majority of images featured a chainsaw, and I would have preferred to spice it up a bit.

Before heading into this I thought the TTB would be a bit higher, because my penis is very afraid of saws.  When wielded by a woman though (especially a hot one), it turns out this isn't such a big impediment to my boner-bility though.  What sent me over the edge was the final picture I posted here.  The spiral watermark over the eye, juxtaposed with the saw, gives the impression of a cyborg, and it turns out that I am REALLY into cyborgs.

WOULD I DO IT AGAIN: Yes.  Most likely with a focus on cyborgs.  Is there a female version of Ash from Evil Dead, with the chainsaw arm?

Week of 1/19/15

My task this week: watch this ten hour video until I get a boner.  I know what you're thinking - sexy beat + sexy reptiles = sexy boner.  IT'S NOT THAT EASY.

TIME TO BONER (TTB): 12 minutes, 46 seconds
BONER INTENSITY: 5.65
DISCOVERIES: If I'm into bestiality I can safely say that at least reptiles are off the menu.  I couldn't find anything boner inducing about the visual aspect of this video.  It wasn't until I'd been watching for about 6 minutes that I really started to connect the words and the visuals together.  I imagined myself inside the crocodile.  While initially this did little to help, eventually I forced myself to find the sexuality of being in an enclosed wet space.  Barely.
WOULD I DO IT AGAIN:  No, and I don't want to hear that fucking song ever again either.  Jesus fucking Christ.

Week of 1/12/15 Part II

A scary thing happens when you search google images for "big business": you get a lot of images of Bette Midler and Lily Tomlin from their 1988 movie of the same name.

After several horrified moments thinking "I'll never get a boner now!" I modified my search to exclude anything with the terms "movie" or "film", and voila!  My big business boner was born.  Here are some highlights.

And finally - the one that really helped me the most...

TIME TO BONER (TTB): 2 minutes, 29 seconds

BONER INTENSITY: 8.0

DISCOVERIES:  I kind of expected this.  As the short TTB would suggest I'm pretty turned on by several ideas encapsulated here.

• New Briefcases
• Lunch meetings
• Putting on a coat and tie
• Diving into a vault filled with coins

WOULD I DO IT AGAIN: No.  I'm scared of where it might lead me.  I might get a boner whenever I shake the hand of an important businessman - and that would be awkward.

Week of 1/12/15

In honor of being only 51 days away from Purim, this week's boner is brought to you by Synagogues.
Here's some examples of what I had to work with.

Full disclosure I was 3 beers deep when this attempt began.

TIME TO BONER (TTB): 14 minutes, 17 seconds

BONER INTENSITY: 8.3

DISCOVERIES: I'm not gonna lie, this one was a struggle.  But when it developed, boy did it develop with power!  You would think that since synagogues tend to have a certain "tit-like" quality, this TTB would be lower, but something about brick/stone is sexually off-putting.

WOULD I DO IT AGAIN:  Only if the synagogue was filled with Jewesses.

P.S. What is Purim?

Week of 1/5/15 PART II

After my success earlier in the week, I figured I'd try to knock things up a notch and challenge myself a bit for round 2.  Today's boner is brought to you by "Pouring cough syrup".
The majority of images looked very similar.  For reference, here's the one that put me over the top.

TIME TO BONER (TTB): 4 minutes, 58 seconds
BONER INTENSITY: 6.65
DISCOVERIES: I assumed that the main draw would be imagining the viscosity of the fluid, like a nice massage oil.  What it came down to in the end, was a bit more than this however.  The motion of the pouring liquid played a large role.  There were also moments when I tried to imagine putting my penis inside the cough medicine bottle, but, knowing the true size of a typical sample of said bottle, I couldn't suspend my disbelief.
WOULD I DO IT AGAIN:  I wouldn't try and get a boner by looking at images such as the one above, but I am almost definitely going to try pouring some cough syrup on my junk the next time I get a chance.